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Parties. We all hear about them. We hear about the punch, the wine, the goons of Kristoff and Orange, the goons of merlot, the flagons of Tui/Speights/DB. The flats on St Lukes Road which you visit after dressing up like a pirate. The piss-ups and opportunities to cop a quick feel in your best mate’s bedroom from some guy named Steve. These are the parties students know about. These are the parties students throw and attend every weekend. Why though? There is a plenitude of far more interesting and enjoyable party-types which really fly under the radar and go un-rocked by the student community. Joseph Harper set out to shed some light on a new set of parties which the students of Unitec can re-appropriate and claim as hip student shin-digs.

I don’t really like beer. Sure, a drunken state can be a fun state to be in. But the bloat! I can’t take that feeling that comes with drinking. It’s horrid, it’s wretched, and I’m sick of it. Why are the only parties I ever attend beer fuelled ragers? Is that all we students are capable of? Must we crank T-Pain on moderately sized stereos, knock back Double Drowns or casks, and trash a flat every weekend? Why are parties all the same for us? Sure maybe it’s occasionally a theme, but whether you’re dressed as Pocahontas or in your sparkly wings or flannel, a party at a flat is always just a stupid party at a flat.

What I’m saying is that we can achieve more! We can have more fun and variety. We can shake it up. I’ve done the research, so you don’t have to. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been attending a few different sorts of parties. And I tell you what; I’ve had a good time. I’ve taken detailed notes, and now I’m reporting back. Try some of these on for size. Please.

Party type one: Slumber Party.

I quite like spending nights with girls., and I love Zak Efron. So obviously my slumber party experience was O.T.C (off the chain). I turned up at my friend Michelle’s house at 5pm. She lives on the North Shore, so obviously she had a really nice TV and could afford good snacks such as Pringles (none of that Ripples shit). And I tell you what, the party was kickin’ almost immediately. I had come prepared by bringing my most adorable pair of pjs, - Snoopy print, and luckily my hair is long enough to whip up some killer pig tails. This party was a riot. In spite of the title, I was surprised to find there was actually very little “slumber” involved. We played Cluedo, watched Gossip Girl, ate pizza, talked about all the young Hollywood hotties of the moment, and we even knocked out a round or two of truth or dare. The best part about this party however, was easily the cosmetic benefits. Who knew feeling good about yourself could be so easy. The girls did wonders on my nails (be gone unsightly cuticles) and I genuinely felt a million bucks after an amazing face mask.

The only downside was that my new investment in the world of self-presentation coupled with a night of pizza and chips (aka pigging out) left me feeling more than a little self-conscious. I just hate my fat ass.

Party type two: Swingers’ Party

My second party type was far removed from the girly frivolities of the slumber party. No pyjamas required for this party. Somehow I convinced my girlfriend to attend this event with me. Call me a prude, but I wasn’t really much of a fan of this one. Maybe it was my sexual performance anxiety. Maybe it was the woman I was saddled with. Maybe it was the constant threat of herpes. Maybe a combination of all of these things. But whatever it was, it led to an unenjoyable evening. Yet, I know how much most students love to bone. So I decided to write it up anyway.

The evening began when my girlfriend and I pulled up to a somewhat opulent looking villa in Herne Bay. We entered the house and found ourselves mingling with a gaggle of well-dressed, self-confident couples. We were then instructed to put our keys in a bowl. That’s where the good times ended for me. The bowl of keys was used to decide who would be partnered with who. I got the short straw. Literally. I ended up partnered with a genuine midget. Awkward as. Her name was Patricia and she had extraordinarily hungry eyes. She led me up to the bedroom that was to be our freaky little love nest. I felt like one of the kids in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory being led about by an Oompa Loompa. The next thing I knew, she’s down to a frumpy little negligee and I’m biting my nails and praying for escape. We were supposed to “bareback” (look it up if you must). She was doing her best to get me aroused, doing a little dance which was supposed to be sexy, I think. It wasn’t. Way too Twin Peaks for my liking. I freaked out and split in a haste, leaving my girlfriend to do whatever she was doing. I went home and cried.

Perhaps you readers would find this type of party more enjoyable though, if you’re into sex with strangers. Why not give it a whirl? Probably the Residential Village would be an ideal spot actually. Plenty of rooms, plenty of horniness. Most people already have scabies so fear of STIs won’t be a problem. Why not?

Party type three: LAN Party.

I like video games way, way more than sexual intercourse. So obviously this next party was a massive improvement on the last one. I felt so at ease, so at home. I was in a place where everyone loved Pepsi more than beer, a place where acne was welcome. A place where I could wear my corduroy and allow the pubes on my chin to spring forth, LAN parties rule.

For those who are uninitiated, a LAN party involves a group of sweet bros getting together in a room with their computers, networking them together, drinking heaps of caffeine, and playing sweet games all night long. Ten guys turned up to this one. It was a BYOC (bring your own computer) event, so I trundled along my HP(difficult on a push bike). World of Warcraft was on the cards, as were Call of Duty and Counterstrike. I won’t lie; although I love video games, I’m not hugely adept to PC gaming. I personally prefer the cool touch of a Playstation controller. As such, my skills showed this fact and I was something of a knob. In spite of this I persevered and by the end of the party I had scored some genuine (boom) head shots. My mother would be proud. You can’t beat LAN parties for sheer escapism power. Something I think is pretty valuable given the shitty state of life at the moment. The only real downside is that maintaining a sick computer is really expensive.

Waterview could do with more of these though. LAN it up with me.

Party type four: Kid’s Party.

I’m no paedophile. But I had more fun surrounded by a bunch of pumped as 7-year-olds than I can ever remember having. I don’t want to go on about it too much, because it’s better to just experience it, but the only parties I ever want to attend from now on are kid’s birthday parties. Mainly because they manage to incorporate the four P’s that make up a guaranteed party success: Party mixes (Eskimos), Pixar (Up), Pizza Hut (all you can eat), and passing parcels/pinning tails (plus the occasional Piñata). I can’t imagine a more concentrated amount of joy. Why can’t everyday be my little cousins’ birthday?

Straight up, I have nothing negative to say about this kind of party. It’s perfect. I don’t understand why parties changed when we became teenagers. As far as I’m concerned, they became sordid, tarnished, and way less fun. Let’s get back to the way it was when we were ten. Please? Devolve a bit with me.

There you have it. A party run down. Now how about putting some of these bad boys into action? Liven up everyone’s weekend with a little variety. Do it. Let me know the details and I’ll be there.

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