Getting to know Gold
I like Gold, it’s shiny. Sure silvers shiny, but there’s something so fabulously tacky about Gold shinny. Gold is the colour of Fererro Rochers and golden tickets. It’s the original form of currency, and far more durable than paper money. And there’s so much happening with Gold, you never hear about silver or bronze in the news. No, Gold steals the limelight for sure.
So what’s new with Gold? You haven’t caught up in a while. Or perhaps you’ve never met? The student lifestyle certainly doesn’t allow you many opportunities to get acquainted with Gold and its buddies. But while you’ve been flirting with paper and shrapnel, or occasionally swiping some plastic, Gold’s been making headlines, getting about, having fun without you.
Gold held a house party, The Golden Globes. You were invited on Facebook, didn’t you get the message? All the coolest people where there. Mo’Nique, who won best supporting actress, Meryl Streep, who won best comedy actress, not to mention James Cameron, who won best motion picture. It was a way cooler party than that other one held by Oscar whatshisname.
Prime Minister John Key had a fleeting crush on Gold. They dated for a bit, it’s still kind of raw. It was all over the tabloids for a while, they made a controversial couple. Key wanted to see more of Gold. He proposed mining for Gold and its mineral friends in national parks, in our beloved Coromandel, even on Great Barrier Island. The public was outraged - they didn’t want Gold exposed like that - they wanted it to have some dignity.
Despite remaining covered up Gold was soon in the tabloids again, thanks to Rielle Hunter. The mistress of an ex-US senator denounced Gold, acted like Gold was a bad influence. Claimed she was “no gold digger.” This, despite receiving payments of over US$100,000. Gold was extremely offended, embarrassed and degraded. It was a tough time for Gold and you weren’t there to support it.
Gold was then further embarrassed when the Sunday Star Times ran a story under the headline “Comics Good as Gold.” Gold was really insulted, no way is any comic as good as Gold. Even if it is a rare edition, marks the first appearance of Batman and sells for $1.5 million.
Gold then got a bit desperate and propositioned me. Oh yes not joking, Gold made a move. It emailed me and suggested I invest in a gold mining business in Ghana. This “investment” did sound rather promising. I assume Gold got its secretary to send the email (after all Gold is very busy) because it was sent from an email address called c.zackary@vilarg.gold.org and wrongly addressed me as a “Sir”. Perhaps I had simply failed to realise that Gold swung that way. Or perhaps I look like a man. It was a concerning proposition either way, and to make matters worse I discovered Gold had been hitting on “Sirs” left right and centre, offering them all “investment” opportunities!
But Gold wasn’t through stirring up trouble there. Next it got in a fight with a politician, the minister of transport, Steven Joyce. See, Joyce suggested that superannuitants might lose some of the travel perks of the Super Gold Card. Joyce claimed it was all a misunderstanding, saying it "got a little bit lost in translation” Gold was still feeling hyper sensitive, it overreacted. The whole thing quickly blew over.
Then things started to pick up for Gold, even with a few crashes along the way New Zealand Paralympic skier Adam Hall managed to win Gold at the Paralympic Games in Vancouver.
And then things got really good for Gold, Reuters reported that recession stressed people in Greece and the UK had decided Gold was the way to go for security. The price of Gold hit a record high in December and has been continuing along a happy and secure path for the past few months. But Gold was really getting around. The Sunday Star Times reported people were not only buying Gold, they were selling it.
Everyone wanted a piece of the Gold market action. Gold was pretty dam popular.
Perhaps that’s why Gold ditched you, or didn’t want to hang out with you to begin with. Gold’s snobby like that. Exclusive. It’s always going to want to hang with someone who lives in Remuera over someone who lives in Waterview.
But well, I hate to say this, don’t tell Gold I said so, but Gold’s just a little, well… just a bit fat, it’s gotten really heavy recently. At least plastic is lightweight. Coins are a bit grungy and dirty but they don’t judge. And paper, well it doesn’t have much to offer does it? (Except the occasional phone number written on it for a dare.)
I guess we just have to accept there’s a reason we don’t play with Gold and go to its birthday parties. Only celebrities, mistresses, athletes, superannuitants, politicians and comic book geeks get to play with Gold.