CONNECTIONS a place to find that special someone
CONNECTIONS a place to find that special someone
Please note: All listings for escorts and erotic massages will now appear on the pleasure page.
Star wars enthusiast!
Seeks long haired lady friend for serious intergalactic roleplay. Gold bikini preferable.
Does anyone know of a photo shop which does discreet confidential film processing? Call me, Brian.
Nice girl seeks guy for chick flick watching and cuddles on the couch. Ideal man is not an asshole, has no commitment issues, buys flowers and remembers birthdays. A dislike of rugby and beer preferable.
Guy, 22, seeks girl with realistic expectations in a boyfriend.
Woman, early thirties, seeks man, not pervert, peeping tom, megalomaniac or emotional fuckwit, call Bridget Jones.
Male, 25, seeks girlfriend with small perky butt who does not constantly ask if jeans make it look fat.
Jerk seeks girl !
With low self esteem and drinking problem, coherent enough to answer booty texts at 3am, but drunk enough to be sufficiently hungover so as not to want any breakfast in morning.
Have taken a Viagra. Need woman, any woman, 18+ up to corpse.
Average guy SWM, with potbelly and expectations well out of his league, seeks hot blonde Swedish supermodel with adventurous and willing twin sister.
Ok, this is going to sound odd, but the Starbucks near my house has like NO parking in the morning. So, what I'm looking for is a girl who wants to crash out with me the night before, and then in the morning, ride in my car with me past the Starbucks, so I can have someone run in without me having to find parking. I'll pay for the Starbucks and up to one baked item. Just Talls though, no Ventis.
Male, thin, temperamental, professional cook, seeks “good girl” type who gets the flu a lot and has good trusting relationship with her pharmacist.
Man, 18, seeks convincing alibi for night of Thursday 12th August.
Jennifer Aniston, still seeking Brad Pitt according to Women’s Day.
If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain… Then go to a bar on a rainy day without an umbrella. I’ll meet you there.
Old hag seeks attractive gay man to swoon over her and repeatedly tell her she’s gorgeous, talented, relevant and doesn’t look anywhere near her real age. Must not mind occasional female to male abuse. People looking to advance own career by association considered. Call Liza.
Old, unattractive man, with recently acquired inheritance, seeks hot gold digging women (plural) in early 20s.
Foreign backpacker seeks marriage or civil union for immigration scam. In return, you will get to listen to my sexy accent as much as you like and I will not ask you to say deck, chips or six during our relationship.
Slave wanted!
Must provide usual slave services and be willing to sleep in a box under the bed for seventeen years. No identity required.
Young woman with overgrown lawn seeks man with lawnmower, please provide picture of mower.
Barbie seeks plastic doll, Mattel brand preferable, working anatomy required. Discretion an absolute must for fear of jealous eunuch ex. G.I Joes need not apply.
Angry, violent, balding, ex-circus mime, with a passion for covering lovers in mouldy sour cream and purple coloured gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic. Preferably some one who has more than an average level of body hair and is very smelly. Wanted for whippings, bizarre behaviour, cupcake baking and clothes shopping. No freaks or weirdos please.
Morbidly lazy, competitive computer gamer who has not left house for several months seeks svelte, kinky vixen for impossible fantasy role-play. Some willingness to assist with basic bodily functions required.
To that guy who groped my butt in town last week at Fu Bar. I told you if you did it again I would hunt you down and kill you. Please reply with your address.
High maintenance babe, SWF, ridiculously good looking, seeking boyfriend to buy me drinks while I flirt with other men, hold my handbag while I try on clothes during marathon shopping sessions (at your expense) doesn’t get jealous when I pose naked for magazines. Must be available for reality TV shows if opportunity should arise (likely). Billionaires and married men preferable, mere millionaires may be considered if they own a sunbed.
Handsome SWM, 23, hare, seeking cute little bunny 20-25, romantic and fluffy to eat my carrot. Let's hop all over town and have some good times it will be a hare-raising experience.
Woman, 40s (49) Athletic (flat-chested) average looking (ugly) educated (primary school) emotionally secure (medicated) seeks soul mate (someone to stalk) who is wiling to listen (mute) a like minded free spirit (drug user) for friendship or more (whatever I can get).
Have life, will share. Have hands, will hold. Have arms, will cuddle. Have ears, will listen. Have mind, will communicate. Have imagination, will share. Have herpes, will give.
I am looking for a girlfriend. I’m a nice guy, early 20s, usual interests, would make a great boyfriend to some lucky lady. However, I will not be making any grand romantic gestures during our relationship. Have you any idea how expensive hot air balloons are to hire? I’m allergic to pollen, so you won’t be getting any flowers and I like slim girls so that rules out spontaneous chocolate based gifts. I am a mortal, cannot fly and will not be fighting any werewolves for you. I could bite your neck if that’s what you are into, but please don’t bite my neck back; I wear open collared shirts at my work. I have no intention of cheating on you -I’m not that kind of guy- but should I go to town one evening with the boys and have too much to drink then things may happen.
I’m seeking someone who can do an awesome Gollum/Smeagol impression to leave messages on my precious girlfriend’s answering machine.
Do you like long walks on the beach? If so please don’t reply to this add, I am in a wheelchair and don’t like the texture or salty aspect of sand.
Wing woman wanted!
Come hang out with me in bars and clubs and then tell the girls you meet in the bathroom what a good guy I am. I will provide training, buy the drinks, wedges (chicken tenders if available) and pay for any games of pool we may undertake. I will have parties and you will invite your hot friends and co-workers. Lesbians preferable, but all welcome as long as you don’t get attached to me yourself.
Nice guy seeks girl, early 20s, slim build, busty, long luxurious hair, toned shapely body, pretty eyes and clear complexion. Looks not important.
Zombie seeks young semi developed brains for dinner, no movie option.
You came home with me on Friday. You not only took my virginity, but my key to the laundry room. Why? That was unnecessary. This relationship lacks communication.
Minimalist seeks woman.
Man, 40 (60 and dyes hair) divorced (with good reason) adventurous (sleeps with anyone) athletic (will walk up 3-5 stairs) handsome (shallow and delusional) looking for friendship which could lead to more (can’t get it up without medication).
Thanks to the 167 men who answered my ad last week, I am now a lesbian.
Looking for a nemesis!
To divert all my anger towards. You will need to live in the Mt Albert area, frequent the Pak ‘N’ Save, Hell’s Pizza and local streets so I can run into you at least once a week and yell profanities at you. You will need to reciprocate with a reasonable degree of believability to make the arrangement worthwhile. Both men and women welcome, baseball bat owners a plus. No one too geeky, I don’t want to look like a bully.
Man with shoe fetish seeks woman with fungal disease, athletes foot acceptable but more unusual afflictions preferable. Women with pedicures need not apply.
Insanely ugly, rotten egg style smelly, violent, lazy, cowardly, alcoholic drug abuser and a complete liar seeks total opposite.
I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out, cooked on the outside but a little raw in the middle and happy to be covered all over in lashings of mayo. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, doesn’t seem to produce winning pick up lines.
Romance is dead, so are my parents, I’ve inherited their estate. Call me. Man, 27.
Casual encounters.
I am looking to meet someone in a unusual circumstance, as if by fate. I believe I am meant to meet my one true love this way, but time is a ticking. Handsome men may meander at the following locations and convincingly just “happen” to bump into me, pick up something I have dropped or reach for the same item as me and brush your arm hair against mine and create some static. Locations: Borders on Queen Street, The Foodtown/Countdown at St Luke’s shopping mall, Circus Circus Café, or the Three Kings Library. I will be wearing a red rose in my hair, reaching for lots of stuff and frequently dropping my belongings.
Woman with lonely cabbage, in need of smashing, seeks man with carrot to make coleslaw with plenty of mayo. Carrots bringing unusual raisins for this recipe or cheese of any sort need not apply.
Hot piece of meat seeks kidney to make pie, please bring pastry also (puff variety).
Man, 56. Not everyone who writes into this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll tie him up with my stockings and strangle him with my bra.
Employed in marketing?
Me too! So stay the hell away. Man, 25, seeking to cheat on his co-worker girlfriend discreetly.
Man seeks woman who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients.
We all know relationships formed through these ads won’t last, so please reply with a list of exciting items which I may be able to acquire when we break up. Woman, 21, with very few of her own possessions.