Dear Barbie, on using the backdoor
Dear Barbie,
I never get any guys. I don’t understand why, I know I’m attractive and well groomed. I get a Brazilin wax every few weeks, manicures, pedicures, my hair dyed. I have beauty appointments every night of the week. I go shopping regularly. I watch movies like “He’s Just Not That Into You” in the weekends and try to grasp what I am doing wrong. I really want a guy, I am committed to it and won’t let myself be distracted when friends suggest we go out, I’ve got to stay home and concentrate on making myself desirable.
What should I do Barbie?
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Sure you may look good (not as good as me of course) but looks are not everything. Get out of the house, the only person you will meet there is old age, and (unlike me) by then your looks will have faded. You have to get out and about and meet new people, sacrifice some of your vanity and clear at least one free night a week to do something worthwhile, like a sport, or a hobby, or even better - drinking and partying. Men do not come and look at you when you are at the salon or on the couch in your living room (with the exception of peeping toms and potential thieves).
Xx
Barbie
Dear Barbie,
I have been with my girlfriend for about a year now and we have a reasonably good sex life, but if I’m honest I am getting a little bit bored. I would really like to try “the backdoor” but I don’t know how to bring it up with her. I’ve tried to sort of slip it in a few times and she’s always taken it as a mistake and set me right. How can get her to take it up the a**?
George
Dear George,
I don’t have any orifices myself, but I hear this can be a real pain in the butt. “Slipping it in” and hoping she doesn’t notice is not a feasible option here, I’m guessing she’ll be able to tell. I’ve consulted a couple of people and apparently porn does not give an accurate description. In real life people are not just ready for it whenever, or wherever. You’ll need to start by asking her if it is ok, maybe buy her something pretty. If she agrees then get lots and lots and lots (have I stressed lots?) of lubricant. Stuff this up and she could be in so much pain she’ll never let you near any of her orifices again. Proceed with extreme caution (and condoms).
XX
Barbie