Barbie talks Spray Tans and Homemade Porn
Dear Barbie,
My girlfriend has been making comments about the current state of my “pale-ness”. She keeps mentioning that she likes her men a little darker, and suggests that I get a spray tan. She’s also made comments about me darkening my hair. I’m starting to feel a little down on myself. Should I go all out and comply with her requests, will this make us both feel better?
-Feeling Pale
Dear Feeling Pale,
I don’t know what kind of girl you’re dating. SPRAY TANNING? I’ve heard of the whole “tall dark and handsome” cliché, but dark and orange? ...Not so much. I’d check her DVD collection for any sort of weird oompa loompa porn to rule out any weird fetishes before you jump in the deep end, and surface with green shoes and purple hair. Just sayin’.
XX Barbie
Dear Barbie,
I’ve been hooking up with this guy for about a month, and he’s into some really extreme things (in bed). I’ve been on board for most of it, but he now wants to make a full blown role play sex video with me. I honestly can’t even picture myself going through with it, but I’m enjoying all of the exciting new bedroom experiences, how do I let him down lightly?
-Camera Prude
Dear Camera Prude,
First things first. Are you SURE you wouldn’t enjoy it yourself? It sounds like you’re enjoying all of his other crazy ideas. If you’re still feeling like there’s NO WAY you could do it, then here’s the plan. Start suggesting really strange role play scenarios, like: homeless-loving making, or Frog on Turtle action. Hopefully your strange imagination will scare him away from the idea. If not—you might have a total weirdo on your hands!
XX Barbie